A guide to all the things you wish you never knew, in one convenient spot.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

How To: Go To Sleep

The average human body is a wondrous thing, it is a complex living platform for which countless have used to achieve fantastic feats of ingenuity, athleticism, and creativity. My body would most likely not fall under the category of average since it is unable of accomplishing any of those thing, it may even be below the average since I’m now certain that my body is a simply series of pulleys and levers that are all simultaneously on fire.  I was unfortunately blessed with what would be the Ford Pinto of bodies. Most interesting of my series of anatomical setbacks includes my brain’s utter lack of give a shit for itself and the rest my being. If the brain is considered the leader of the rest of your body apparently nature appointed Zapp Brannigan as my captain, needless to say it’s methods are unorthodox at least and full-on mentally handicapped at most times. To fully understand my dilemma you have to realize why I am writing this. It is currently 8am, I don’t wake up this early,my body just has gotten into this sort of horrendous sleep schedule where I fall asleep at 10am. Needless to say this has made for a horrible past few weeks. To remedy the situation I have tried all manner of tricks and trials to finally have a decent night of sleep. I have tried thing that range from comical in nature (counting sheep, and doing elaborate work-outs to tire myself out) to nearly self-destructive (skipping a night of sleep to try and start anew) in an attempt to have a normal happy life. My brain however will just straight up not have any of that shit. Recently I have been teetering the balance from productive member of society to raving lunatic in some attempts. One of which included an actual conversation with my brain directly.
ME: fall asleep.
ME: … *light mental sobbing* why won’t you just just do what I say?!
BRAIN: … because fuck you.
In an attempt to simply bore myself to sleep I have recently been having late night reading sessions on Wikipedia. Try as I might to not actually be entertained I have been forgoing my usual searches that are either Iron Man or Uranus for something much more boring in nature. So for the past week I have been reading up on cities around the world, ranging from my hometown of Chicago, to the far-off and exotic Alexandria. As of yet this has only worsened the situation do to something I like to call the History Channel Effect. HCE is an all to common disease wherein the victim is drawn to pointless and boring knowledge for unexplainable reasons. Imagine if you will that you have a day off, it is snowing far to hard to actually go outside or drive anywhere, and you are stuck in front of the television.  While flipping through channels you suddenly see a still of a military tank shooting into the yonder and… You are now watching 4 hours of shitty Hitler documentaries on the History Channel, thus explaining the name of this horrible condition. this condition has me reading the crime rate and economic status of Johannesburg every night until eventually my body just gives up and passes out. All in all, it is a fantastic experience and one I look forward to each and every night. To make matters worse I am now enrolled in my second semester at college which has me waking up twice weekly at 8 am and then working directly after. This has resulted in me seeing the beginning of two totally separate days within one sleep cycle on two occasions now, needless to say I am ecstatic about that fact. Something that will put the metaphorical cherry on my sleep deprived sundae is that I have classes in an hour and a half. So far I’m off to a brilliant start in this summer.


  1. built ford tough.
    Also, i lol'd@"BRAIN: … because fuck you."

  2. Have you yet tried: turn off all the lights and sounds, lay in bed staring at the ceiling, don't toss and turn, just look straight up and see how long you can stay awake that way.